The Affected Heart

Well, I do feel a bit silly posting since technically I’m not a traveler anymore… but I still intend to update with personal tidbits and goings-on so I still feel like I have something worthy to share (ha-ha). I can’t believe a month has already passed since we landed in Ottawa, bleary-eyed and exhausted. I feel almost the same way as I did after Australia, save that a year away is very different from just a summer. I am thankful my family is letting me stay with them right now as I’m a broke joke only working part-time. I got benefits finally (yay!) but this salary is not enough to pay off debts and start saving again. In a week, a revised list will come out for teaching positions in my board. With any luck, there might be an increase I can apply for. I enjoy my homeroom class, but I need to be thinking of myself and my future.

My plan for next year is still tentatively Scotland…or a return to Australia. It might seem odd to base the decision on one thing, but after speaking to my friend Scott, he understood: if I’m still single next year, that will largely be the indicator of my leaving or staying. I’ve joined curling (woo) and hopefully another activity or two to meet people, but at my age, the ‘thing’ I now desire is to have adventures…but also meet someone to have them with. My family will still be here when I come back, but beyond a few friends here and there, Ottawa doesn’t hold a lot for me. I would not put pressure on someone, but to me, I would only deem it valuable to wait another year to travel if there was someone worth waiting for. WHV’s end at 30-31 and if I have hopes of returning to Oz or trying life in Scotland, the clock is ticking. I found article saying they need teachers in the Highlands, but I’d had my hopes set on Edinburgh. Apparently cover teachers do not make great money, so a backup job may be needed. There’s a whole year to plan, but that’s where my head is at.

I leave you now with a random piece of writing.

So to some my recent fixation on the UK might seem like the typical return to reality escape, a restless dream, or something in between. This may be, but I would also say that everyone probably has some place on this planet, other than their home, that calls or draws them in a certain way. As we are affected by people and moments, I believe we can be affected by places too. I find Canadian autumn to be one of the most beautiful things we have, and this is a haphazard reflection on pining for a place you hope to return to, even as you love the places you are from. Photo from Craigellachie, Scotland.
 Fall-in-Speyside-at-Craigellachie-Scotland

[When I sleep, you are what I dream.

When I feel, it is your touch missing of me.

Dreaming,

Waiting

For the time I find myself with you at last]

 

Amazing how time can pass

The steady flow of hour against hour

Pulling us along until lo,

Summer is gone

The green has drained out from the boughs

And I yearn for the verdant hills of before

Yet still, sweet surprise

The quiet transformation

Or reds and oranges spilling through the natural veins

God’s paintbrush, dancing as we slept

My pulse, often racing

Now a gentle thrum against the temple

And I feel

…Strangely pacified

So strong, so full is my longing for you

Yet these days are passing

Bringing such easy lightness

The fervor, the passion, the tension and the terror

Still resides deep in my blood

As often as not

I feel caught

Caught between the sunlight and fading day

I wish I knew where the yesterdays go

 wish I could accept what the leaves just know

of cycles, of time, of the fact we can’t stay

but on, on, we must go

 

When the rain clouds gather and the droplets fall

Dew drops glisten

Dust moats float

Amid the early dawn

As I walk

aware of the maple keys below my feet and

The pungent perfume of pine

You come to me,

And I imagine it is the same for you as for I

There are moments

When pre-emptive nostalgia will fail me

My hands folded tight, knuckle-white

As if to make memories bleed

But even then I will know

Blank pages only ask to be written

And there is no end to this tale without you

Even as your likeness is swept away from this place

Filigrees of similarity frozen in hoarfrost and ice

You will remain

Sleeping

Hidden

Safe in the warmest corners of time

For love can spread miles and moments

And there is no one place or person that I call Home

Perhaps it is said I am foolish

But I will never curse the Affected Heart

For it is you and the end and it was you at the start

you,

Mysterious you

How little I’ve lived, this much I do know

It is from you I left, and towards you I go

[When I sleep, you are what I dream.

When I feel, it is your touch missing of me.

Dreaming,

Waiting

For the time I find myself with you at last]

 

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